Photo by Dominic Sansotta
Studies show that one of the best places to find a spouse is in church. I believe so because it gives people a healthy safe setting to get to know each another. (I met my guy in church, so I’m already a little biased). It is not the only place though…
There are so many beautiful godly women in the church. I often look at some of my friends and wonder why there are no men pursuing them? She has everything going for her, beauty, character, a great career… the whole shebang. Are there no good men left? I don’t believe so, even though the ratio might be a little off(Jesus help!) there are enough good men for each one of us. We just need to know how to position ourselves to be found by one.
In this post, I’m sharing with you the things I needed to do if I was going to find a relationship that God had for me.
1. Have a standard
I needed to know exactly what I wanted in a man and in a relationship. But I had to make sure that my standards weren’t too high that no man could measure up. Ladies we do this, we have standards so high that no man can measure up.
A few of my standards were, he needed to be godly. He also needed to be actively serving God and committed to serving his house( church). He needed to have a job( I didn’t care which) as long as he was intentional about what he was doing with his life. He didn’t need to have figured it all out since I hadn’t either.
We have to ensure that our standards align with God’s word and not the patterns of this world. Don’t care too much about how tall a man is, care about the condition of his heart. Don’t care about the car he drives or how much money he makes, care about whether he has a vision for his life. When we have the correct standard we are already on the right track to finding the relationship God has for us.
Prayer is asking God for his divine intervention. Ask God to help you. Take time to pray for the man you want to find you. pray for God to help him find you. Also, take time to study scripture so you can know God’s standards for relationships.
I prayed for him for years before I met him. ( Funny story the day we met I was in the middle of a prayer and fasting season). I wasn’t praying and fasting for a spouse, I was pursuing God’s best for my life. I didn’t think I was ready for a relationship yet, but God had other plans. And because I was praying, I was sensitive enough not to brush off a divinely set moment.
3. Have a list but be flexible
I had a list of all the qualities that I wanted in a man. One thing I knew I wanted was someone who had a call for ministry. I knew God was leading me towards ministry so it was obvious that he needed to be in ministry. So in the back of my mind, he needed to be some sort of pastor ( well, he was no pastor, in fact he had a totally different career). I had such trouble when we met, but I decided to trust God’s way rather than my way. As we have gotten to know each other I have seen the call of God on his life for ministry become amplified.
I had a list but I was also flexible to allow God to do whatever he wished to do. Would I still marry him if he wasn’t called to ministry? Yes, if I felt God could help us merge our different paths into one. So you don’t have to do the same thing to walk together , however, it really helps if there is a purpose that you are both running towards.
4. Know what men look for
We can be beautiful and well-educated but still be clueless about what a man looks for in a woman.
I know you are killing it in the boardroom but at home, he doesn’t want a CEO, he wants a wife. I know you are running three successful businesses but at home, he doesn’t need a boss gal, he still wants the old-fashioned, “ barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen” type of woman.
Men are really simple. If he can see beyond your success and see a wife for himself, he will choose you. If he can see a woman to come home to every night, he will choose you. But if he sees that he will need to compete with your career or business for your attention. He will pass you over for a woman who shouldn’t even be your competition.
Let him see that you want to be a wife and that you understand what that takes. By this, I don’t mean giving a man who hasn’t made a commitment to you some things he should only get in a marriage! Gal, make him a meal once in a while to show him that he can come home to a home-cooked dinner if he marries you( I call this casting vision…). Men love to be nurtured; find ways to show him your nurturing side so he can desire it in his life.
5. Position yourself
positioning doesn’t mean chasing a man down and asking him to marry you. It means doing what is necessary to enable him to know you can be a choice for him. ( proceed with caution…)
Honey, don’t be too prideful. You can keep your pride or have the marriage you have been praying for. I had to get over my pride and position myself for him to find me. He had to get over his pride and do want it takes to pursue and win me.
I remember one-night writing in my journal, “ You need to make yourself a choice for him so he can choose you.” Aaah… what! immediately my pride went up. I thought to myself, ” If I have to make it obvious to him I’m a choice then he doesn’t deserve me.” I then proceeded to go over that statement with a pen to erase it. However, for the next few weeks, it wouldn’t leave me. It stared at me and demanded my attention. I had to come back to God and ask Him what does this mean? Well, He said… it means what it means. He was a bit stern this time around. “ If you don’t make yourself a choice for him, he will not choose you!” Sis, I thoroughly understood the assignment. I did exactly that and we wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t get over my pride and positioned myself for him to choose me.
I love the story of Ruth( see Ruth 3) because she does what most women wouldn’t do( through Godly counsel and God’s leading). She ends up marrying the most eligible bachelor in town.
I also love the story of Esther if she never showed up to the line-up, she wouldn’t have been chosen to be queen. ( watch the movie ONE NIGHT WiTH THE KING-Book of Esther). We can learn a few tips from these two women on positioning ourselves correctly for the men who need to see us.
6. Don’t be desperate
When we approach relationships from a place of knowing our identity in Christ, we will have better results. Men can sense desperation from a mile and often respond by running away.
Identity tells a man I don’t need your love, I’m loved by my father, but I want your love. I also know what I am bringing to the table and you will be very lucky to choose me. Desperation tells a man I don’t know who I am and I’m looking for a man or a relationship to give me an identity.
We cannot attract quality relationships if we are not whole. Whole women attract wholesome men and build whole relationships. Broken women attract broken men, who end up breaking them more.
If you feel that you aren’t whole in a way that would help you choose well. Take some time and work on yourself and don’t rush it, God’s timing is the best.
7. Be ‘catchable’
I know, not grammatically correct but you get my drift. Being catchable means understanding what it will take for the man you want to be able to catch you. This is true for most women, we are busy building our lives, careers, ministries, or whatever. We, therefore, cannot find a man who is running at the speed we are running to be able to catch us.
I remember God saying to me that if he and I would have met when my career had taken off, I wouldn’t have wanted him. This was true, so God intentionally slowed me down, enough for him to catch me. I was not too fond of the idea. It was such a confusing season for me but looking back now, it was necessary.
Find the time out of your busy schedule to have fun. Go out with friends. Find a church group and slow down enough for a man to catch you.
8. Get over perfect
We are a generation that is obsessed with perfection. We want a perfect life, a perfect spouse, and a perfect marriage. We have fallen for the lie of “highlight reels” on Social media. I didn’t know I had a perfectionism problem.
I was praying one afternoon and I heard as clear as day( No it wasn’t an audible voice, but it was loud enough for me to hear), “ I am giving you a…. He mentioned a character in the Bible. I immediately replied, “ No I want a…. I named another character in the Bible. He was my preference. God replied,” I do not have perfect vessels, I only have imperfect vessels.”
I needed to drop my idea of what a perfect man would look like for me and receive the imperfect man that God had for me. True to his word, my guy was everything that this guy in the Bible is. Not very praiseworthy stuff, but there was one quality I had missed. This man has the ability to love a woman with uncanny loyalty. I needed this, not everything else I thought I needed. God gave me what I needed not what I wanted. He was imperfect but so was I. We both needed God’s redeeming love to become the best we could be for each other. He still working but He has done incredible stuff in our lives.
9. Be patient
We could be more patient. We are of the ‘convenient’ everything generation. We want everything by yesterday. We have been programmed by a fast world to not wait. Fast cars, fast food, fast internet( anybody?) … When it comes to relationships, it will require patience. Good things take time and great things even longer. Be patient in your single season God is preparing you and that man for that relationship.
I wanted to get married the year we met. I was ready for a wedding, but not for a marriage. And neither was he. If we would have gotten married that year, we probably wouldn’t be together today. We have had to be patient to allow God to work our relationship as He wants. It has been a long journey but one we are glad we took.
There were some things we need to deal with outside of marriage because they would have been the death of us. There was growth and maturity that needed to happen so we can build a marriage that brings glory to God.
If you are single and waiting for the man God has for you. Keep praying and be patient, In due season you will receive what God has for you and we will get to celebrate with you! You are in my prayers, sis.
Drop me a comment below and let me know if any of these resonate with you.
2 thoughts on “9 Tips on Finding the Relationship You Desire”
God gave me what I needed and not what I wanted – so very true with my experience. I had a list too like most girls. Not too specific but not too flexible either. But I did lean on God to find my man and he led me over time to realise that I had to shed some of what I held as criteria. They were not important in the whole scheme of things. I am thankful and grateful how God led and provided. Married 20yrs this yr.
This is a good comprehensive list. Very practical. I like it Lucy.
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Wow, 20 yrs! That’s no joke…I need to be coming to you for relationship advice😀congrats!
Yeah, God knows better than we do, some things are not very important yet when we are single or dating we think of them as a matter of life and death.
I think I’m in the process of shedding off some things too.
I love how you said God led and provided. It takes the grace of God to find someone who will stick around long enough for the relationship to get good.
Thank you Manu for your feedback, appreciate it. Blessings💝
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