Photo by Kelly Sikkema
With the internet, comes a lot of information some of which isn’t true. One of the most falsely represented is relationships. The internet has painted a picture of perfect couples, perfect marriages, perfect spouses which has misled a lot of people.
Yes, relationships can be a great place where we feel seen and accepted. A place where we find companionship and friendship buuuut…It can also be a place where we find a lot of messiness and brokenness. In a great relationship, we get a little of both worlds.
Here are a few relationship myths that people believe:
When I get married I will…
…Not feel lonely.
There is a belief that a relationship will make us whole and complete. this isn’t true. Relationships have their place in fulfilling us but they will not make us whole and complete. We can be with someone and still feel utterly lonely. That’s why people keep going from one relationship to another to cure their loneliness.
Loneliness is part of the fallen nature of man that began in the Garden of Eden. When sin entered the garden, so did loneliness because man was now separated from God.
Loneliness is the void that tells us that man is made to have a relationship with God. And apart from Him, we will go through life trying to fill a void that only God’s love can fill.
…Not struggle with lust.
Most people get married thinking it will cure their lust. Only to find out that a relationship will magnify what is broken in us, rather than heal it. Lust is not a sex problem it’s a soul problem. Until we heal what is broken in us, we will have broken relationships that leave us more broken.
…Not need to walk in purity and exercise self-control.
As singles, purity of heart and self-control enables us to navigate the season while we wait and prepare for marriage. In marriage, purity of heart and self-control is necessary to steward intimacy and connection. And because we learnt how to walk in purity and self-control while single, it’s much easier to do while married. All the things that tempt you will not go away because you said: “I Do”. In fact, this is when they become amplified.
It will be easy.
It’s so easy to believe that the grace of God will nullify our need to work hard. To build anything great requires work, it requires effort. Relationships are no different.
It takes work to build a life with someone who is different from you. Who has a different perspective of life, a different personality, a different way of doing things. It takes work to learn how to communicate effectively. It takes work to solve conflict and walk in agreement.
The grace of God is our enabler to put in the work that is necessary and not quit when things get hard. It’s not our ticket to cruise through life.
Marriage is great when two people come in and do the work that is necessary, it’s also hell when two people come in expecting things to work themselves out.
Because I waited, God owes me a perfect relationship.
If you are looking for a perfect relationship go to the movies. It’s only in the movies that perfect people exist. People say, ” But I don’t want him/her to be perfect, I just want him/her to be perfect for me.” Even the one who looks like he/ she is perfect will require forbearance, grace, and an immense amount of forgiveness to live with. God will often give us someone who is a work in progress. Someone who we can grow with, change, and become with. If we got perfect we will have no need to change and grow.
I will get someone who will love me just as I am.
Acceptance is important. Nobody wants to be with someone who wants to change everything about them. But, relationships require constant transformation to be great. The only things that don’t require growth are dead things. Marriage is often said to be God’s conspiracy for our transformation. It’s the vehicle He uses to get to the hidden stuff in us that He couldn’t get to before.
Marriage is also a mirror that reveals all our weaknesses and flaws, so we can change. We see our self-centeredness. We see our lack of humility. We see our need to be in control. We see our limitation to love unconditionally.
It will save you a lot of time to know you will grow in ways you never thought possible. You will change in places you don’t want to change in. But for it to grow into something great, you have to be growing too.
I will always feel love.
Love is not a feeling; it’s an action word. In the beginning, it might not require a lot of work because we are driven by our feelings. However, if you try to build a relationship based on feelings you will not be in it very long because you will soon find out feelings can quickly go away.
In 1 corinthians13:4-8, love is described with words such as patient, kind, long-suffering, forgiving, not arrogant, not self-seeking, not rude. All these are action words. You don’t feel patient, you exercise it. You don’t feel kind, you act kind. You don’t feel forgiving, you choose to forgive. Any relationship that doesn’t require we make a choice to love is built on sinking sand and will not last long.